The Queen Bride
by PixieRed
Summary: The Phantom Thieves and company act out The Princess Bride to entertain Ann and Ryuji's kid. Written for Day 8 of Makoto Niijima Week 2018: Crossover


Niijima Makoto and Amamiya Ren slipped off their shoes as they entered the Sakamoto household. Before them stood the famed actress, Takamaki Ann. She was clad in a sparkling red dress that swished gracefully with her every move. Her hair spilled from an effortless updo. Her makeup was flawless. She was ready to take on the red carpet and dominate it.

Her husband, on the other hand, was pulling at the collar of his tuxedo. He was the picture of uncomfortable. He strained against every fitted part of his outfit. His hair managed to look unkempt despite being cropped short. He was only partially bleaching it these days, aiming for a soft brown, one that matched his son's natural color.

This brings us to Sakamoto Shou, age six, the reason for this story. You see, usually when Ann and Ryuji are away from home, Ann's best friend, Suzui Shiho, babysits Shou. However, on this day, the volleyball team that Shiho coached was participating in a tournament. Hence, babysitting duties fell to Makoto and Ren.

"Leave it to us," Makoto spoke with much more confidence than the book on child development she was clutching would lead one to believe. She stood up straight as if ready to salute a superior in the police force.

"If Shou gives you trouble, don't hesitate to lay down the law," Ann smiled. "He's stubborn… Like his father."

"Like his mother," Ryuji muttered under his breath.

"And if he continues to be a problem, just call okay? We'll figure something out."

"It won't be a problem Ann," Ren smiled, exuding confidence.

"Yeah, there's nothin' Ren can't handle!" Ryuji pat Ren on the shoulder as he stepped into the foyer to put on his shoes.

It turns out, there are things Ren can't handle.

––––– ––––– –––––

 _Thirty minutes later…_

Makoto frantically tapped out a message to Haru and Hifumi. One thing she learned during her police training was the importance of requesting backup when necessary. She made a silent prayer that one of her friends would know what to do. Unbeknownst to her, Ren was making his own requests. One hand clutched his phone while the other was wrapped around Shou.

For you see, the little guy could _run_.

––––– ––––– –––––

 _Thirty more minutes later..._

"That's strange…" Haru tilted her head, staring up at the ceiling. "This blend of coffee always calms my nerves."

"Let me go you weird clones!" Shou shouted as he once again squirmed out of Ren's grasp.

"I don't look anything like Ren!" Morgana huffed as he folded his arms. "I'm much more attractive."

This, dear reader, is an inaccurate assessment. In fact, Morgana looks a lot like Ren these days… but that's another story for another time.

––––– ––––– –––––

 _Twenty minutes later…_

"THIS IS BORING! MY LEGS HURT! YOU SAID THERE'D BE DRAGON ATTACKS!" Shou wiped the shogi pieces off the board and hopped up on his feet. He crossed his arms and glared at Hifumi.

"Oh there will be," Hifumi narrowed her eyes at Shou as she picked up the pieces, placing them back in their previous positions without even needing to look at the board. She then lifted her silver general. "But first prepare yourself for my Glimmerin-"

"THIS IS STUPID! YOU'RE STUPID!"

"Shou!" Makoto's voice was stern. She skimmed the current page of _Parenting: An Early Childhood Development Approach_ one more time. "Apologize to Togo-san right now."

"SHE'S THE ONE PICKING ON A KID!" With that Shou raced off, weaving through doorways and around furniture, shouting nonsense words all the while.

Ren turned to Makoto and shrugged. He sat down across the board from Hifumi and resumed the game.

––––– ––––– –––––

 _Fifteen minutes later…_

"What kinda kid doesn't like gaming?" Futaba's eyes were masked by the glare off her glasses. "Are we sure this is Ryuji's kid? Ann could do better…"

"Don't insult my Dad!" Shou glared at Futaba from his position standing on the back of the couch. "I like games but yours are ancient!"

Futaba gasped. "B-but these were my favorite when I was your-"

"You're old!" Shou hopped off the couch and was once more speeding through the house. Yusuke, who was busy rearranging all of Ann's knick knacks, almost lost his balance during one of Shou's near misses.

Makoto turned to Ren, looking anything but amused.

"What?" Ren shrugged again, twirling a shogi piece between his fingers. "Calling them was worth a try."

"Hmph," Futaba took out her phone. "It's time to bring out the big guns!"

––––– ––––– –––––

 _Yet another thirty minutes later…_

" _You're_ JokerPhan1999?" Futaba stared at Mishima Yuuki who in turn surveyed the large group of people that were surrounded by the mess once known as Ann's living room.

Ren brought his hand to his chin, his eyes finding their way to the ceiling. "In retrospect, I suppose that should have been obvious…"

Makoto nodded vigorously.

"H-HoneyOTU I presume?" Mishima's failed smile, dear reader, could turn people to stone. It is best not to think about it.

"REN! YOUR FRIEND NISHIMA IS HERE!" Futaba turned and belted. Makoto brought her hands over her ears.

"For the last time," Mishima whined. "It's Mi-"

"Oh my!" The exclamation belonged to one Suzui Shiho. Despite only being a smidge above normal volume—much quieter than the screams of the child or the adults acting like children—it commanded attention.

"Shiho!" Makoto spoke first. "What about your tournament?"

"We were eliminated in the quarter-finals," Shiho explained with a sigh. "I thought I would check in. I'm glad I did."

You see, Shiho knew Ann's house well. The view before her was as follows: Anything not bolted down was definitely not in the right place. Couch cushions were strewn about. Chairs and zabuton were out of place. Toys were left out on the floor. Bags of peanuts, chips, and other snacks were sitting precariously on chairs and against walls. Even all the decorations were disarranged, though Shiho was not aware that that was Yusuke's doing and not Shou's. Shiho knew something had gone horribly wrong.

The house was crowded by the presence of eight additional adults, seven of whom looked guilty and one of whom just looked confused.

Shiho sighed and shook her head. "Shou!"

"Aunt Shiho!" The boy zoomed to the door, arms raised. Shiho scooped him up.

"You're a bundle of energy tonight," Shiho remarked. She sniffed. "Is that coffee?"

"Yeah!" Shou was all smiles for Shiho. "It's not so bad once you add sugar."

Shiho once again looked at the others. Four adults looked extra guilty.

"Shou?" Shiho spoke softly. "How about we sit down and I'll tell you a story?"

"The Princess Bride!" Shou shouted.

You see, _The Princess Bride_ is a favorite of the Sakamoto household. Ann was raised on the film and in turn was doing the same with her family. Both Ryuji and Shou were taken by the tales of pirate ingenuity and swashbuckling prowess.

"Very well." Shiho smiled and carried Shou to the corner of the living room that Ann and Ryuji had ceded to the child. Along with plastic bins of toys were a stack of storybooks and a pile of cushions. Shiho made herself comfortable. She sat with her legs spread, placing Shou between them such that she could keep her arms around him as she held the storybook open.

"She makes it look so easy," Makoto whispered to Ren.

"At least now we can relax," Ren whispered back.

"Don't be so sure about that," Shiho turned to the rest of the room. "I think Shou deserves more than just a story after tonight, don't you?"

The other adults turned to each other, mystified. Shiho made a small nod with her head, leading to them to the appropriate response.

"We don't have a choice, do we?" Ren whispered to Makoto.

"She's the only one who knows what she's doing." Makoto conceded.

"Good." Shiho smiled. "Now, I take it you're all familiar with _The Princess Bride_."

"Ann made us all watch it, multiple times," groaned Futaba. "Even Nishima."

Mishima rolled his eyes and made an exaggerated sigh.

"Good, good," Shiho continued. "Because tonight, you will be putting on a show for us!"

Shou looked up at Shiho with wide eyes. "F-for real?"

"For real."

Shou's look of wonder persisted for a few more seconds until he pulled back and frowned. "Can they _really_ do it?"

"If they make aaaany mistakes, we'll be there to catch them!" Shiho leaned down further and grinned.

"Okay," Shou grinned back. He looked at the others and pointed. "You better get it right!"

"Well?" Shiho turned to the others. "What are you waiting for?"

"I'll be the Dread Pirate Joker," Ren flashed his Phantom Thief smile as he slipped an arm around Makoto. "And this-"

"It's the Dread Pirate KIDD!" insisted Shou.

"Not in the _Phantom Thieves_ version," said Ren. He brought his free hand in front of him, pointing at Makoto. "And this is my beloved Buttercup."

"Buttercup is useless," said Makoto. "I want to be Inigo Montoya"

"Oh?" Ren raised an eyebrow. "But this is a _kissing_ book."

Makoto thought for a second, her eyes going wide. She tilted her head away, hiding a smile. "I-I suppose it would be okay then."

"So it's more of a _Queen Bride_ then," Haru giggled into her hand.

"This is taking too long!" whined Shou.

"Indeed!" Shiho nodded at the boy. "We only need Westley… er Ren… and Buttercup for the first scene. The rest of you figure it out."

The others formed a huddle at the order of the shooing motion Shiho was making.

Still holding Shou between her arms as she grasped the book, Shiho began to read, ad-libbing as necessary. "Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her motorcycle-"

" _Motorcycle_?!" the boy glanced up at Shiho with suspicion. "I thought you said if they made any mistakes-"

"This is an extra special Phantom Thieves version," said Shiho.

The boy frowned, shifting his eyes from side to side. He looked back up at Shiho. "I guess that's okay."

"Good. As I was saying, her favorite pastimes were riding her motorcycle and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Ren, but she never called him that. Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Ren around."

"Farm Boy," Makoto stood tall as Ren pretended to polish the floor. "Wash my motorcycle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

"As you wish," Ren smirked.

" _As you wish_ was all he ever said to her," explained Shiho.

"Farm Boy, brew a fresh pot of coffee." Makoto had her hands on her hips. Ren arched an eyebrow. Makoto let her hands go slack. "…Please."

"As you wish," Ren smiled, taking a step closer to the woman before him. He snaked an arm around her back.

"F-farm boy…"

"Hmm?" Ren leaned in further, his eyes locking with Makoto's.

"Hey!" shouted Shou. "This isn't how it goes!"

"O-oh?" Makoto tried to take a step back but Ren didn't let go. "Wh-what were we doing? Didn't they kiss in the sunset or something?"

"As you wish," Ren grinned and leaned in and kissed Makoto. Her eyes shot open but soon closed as she smiled, finally meeting his lips with her own.

"What is this!?" Shou was indignant. "Are you tryin' to trick me?"

The boy tried to get up but Shiho tightened her arms around him. She coughed. "Anyway… Ren had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea…"

––––– ––––– –––––

"Despite Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride..."

Makoto straddled the couch armrest, pretending it were a motorcycle.

"In the middle of the forest, she was stopped by three men. The first was Vizzini, a Sicilian scoundrel and mercenary."

"Ha ha!" Morgana boasted, putting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest.

"The second was Inigo, the Spanish fencer."

Haru circled her hand twice and made a grandiose bow.

"The third was Fezzik, the strong man and giant."

"Hrgh!" Futaba flexed the stringy muscles of her noodly arms. Yusuke, upon whose shoulders she sat, was staring off in another direction, barely paying attention.

"A word, my lady," said Morgana, bringing one hand flat to his chest. "We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?"

"There is nothing nearby… not for miles," said Makoto.

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream!" Morgana shouted just a little too loud while grabbing Makoto by the shoulders and pulling her off the couch.

"The three men captured Buttercup," narrated Shiho as the players got behind the couch, using it to emulate a boat. "Vizzini placed a rag from a Gilder uniform on Buttercup's motorcycle, explaining to the others that he planned to kill Buttercup and frame Gilder, thus starting a war."

"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl," said Futaba, crossing her arms. She nudged Yusuke, tapping his jaw with one of her knees. He crossed his arms as well.

"Am I going mad, or did the word _THINK_ escape your lips?" Morgana drove a single finger into the air with flourish. "YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!"

"I agree with Fezzik," said Haru.

"OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN!" Morgana launched into a rant directed at Haru. He became louder with each sentence. His smile became broader. He moved his arms excessively, punctuating his lines.

You see, Morgana very much likes being the center of attention.

"That Vizzini, he can fuss," remarked Haru, her eyebrows waggling.

"Fuss, fuss…" Futaba looked towards the ceiling. "I think he likes to scream… at us!"

"Probably he means no harm," said Haru. She leaned against Yusuke, but her eyes stayed on Futaba.

"He's really very short on…" Futaba grinned. "Charm."

"Enough of that!" shouted Morgana.

"Fezzik," Haru called. "Are there rocks ahead?"

"If there are, we'll all be dead!" Futaba raised both her arms to her chest height.

"No more rhymes now, I mean it!" Morgana wagged his finger.

"Anybody want a peanut?" Futaba leaned over towards Morgana, her smile filled with teeth. She was holding out a real peanut and looking quite satisfied with herself.

Yusuke reached up, grabbed the peanut, and ate it.

––––– ––––– –––––

"The man in black was hot on their heels!" Shiho raised her voice to accentuate the urgency of the plot. "When they reached the top of the cliffs, Vizzini started slicing the rope with his knife. Once cut, the other end slipped down, falling over the side.

Haru, Morgana, and Futaba-on-Yusuke knelt on the couch cushions, looking down over the back of the couch.

"He didn't fall!" Morgana exclaimed. "Inconceivable!"

Haru turned to her friend. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

––––– ––––– –––––

"Having finished the story, both men knew it was time…"

"You seem a decent fellow, I'd hate to kill you," Haru told Ren.

"You seem a decent fellow, I'd hate to die," Ren smirked in return.

Both Phantom Thieves lifted plastic wiffle ball bats and began to strike them against each other. While their "sword"-work was undercut by the inherent sluggishness of the medium, their footwork belied their previous lives as Phantom Thieves. They danced around the couch, brandishing the bats with as much style as the medium allowed.

"I admit it, you are better than I am," announced Haru.

"Then why are you smiling?" asked Ren as he backed Haru into the couch.

"Because I know something you don't know," Haru raised both of her eyebrows as she continued to defend against Ren's bat.

"And what is that?"

"I am not left-handed." Haru tossed her bat from her left hand into her right. She started pushing Ren back. Both plastic bats struck each other again and again with dull thwumps. Haru moved the bat with more pizzazz, so much more that it slipped from her fingers and rolled along the floor.

Everyone stopped and looked at Haru. She blushed.

"Um…" Haru said quietly. "The thing is... I _am_ actually left-handed…"

––––– ––––– –––––

"The man in black drank from the cup before him. Seeing that he did so, Vizzini did the same…"

"You guessed wrong," said Ren. He sat opposite Morgana and Makoto at Ann's dining table.

"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned!" Morgana shouted. "Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is _never get involved in a land war in Asia_ —but only slightly less well-known is this: _Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line_!"

Morgana cackled with over-the-top laughter, getting more and more hoarse with each "Ha" before suddenly falling over to the side. Just when everyone thought he was done, he started to convulse hyperbolically.

"What a ham," said Futaba, crossing her arms. This time Yusuke, upon whose shoulders she still rested, managed to follow her lead without prompting.

"I am not a ham!"

––––– ––––– –––––

"While Buttercup and the man in black argued, Prince Humperdinck, Count Rugen, and their soldiers appeared on a nearby ridge…"

"You mocked me once," said Makoto, making fists at her side. "Never do it again! I died that day!"

Makoto stared down Ren. Then, she pushed him over the couch armrest.

"And you can die too for all I care!"

"Aaaaasssssss…. Yooouuuuuuu… Wiiiiiiiiiiiish!" called Ren as he fell onto the couch cushions and then rolled off the couch onto the floor.

"Oh come on, that was needlessly over-the-top," said Morgana.

"Shhhhh…" said Haru, eating peanuts from the bag she was sharing with Futaba. "We're getting to the good part."

"Oh my sweet Ren! What have I done?!" Makoto fell backwards onto the couch. Like Ren, she then rolled off to the side, nearly landing on him.

Ren rolled once more, propping himself up on his arms over Makoto. "I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well…" Makoto ran a hand along Ren's cheek. "You were dead."

"Death cannot stop _True Love_ ," Ren smiled. "All it can do is delay it for a while."

"I will never doubt again," Makoto smiled in return.

"There will never be a need," Ren whispered. He leaned down, finding Makoto's lips for the second time that night. She brought her arms around his neck as he lowered himself over her as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The kisses started as separate, deliberate affairs but each one lingered a little longer, delved a little deeper, until the couple no longer parted.

Shou looked at the adults, his face scrunched and his eyes narrowed. Most didn't notice him, fixated on the scene before them, save one social media manager.

"Seriously," Mishima whispered to the child, his eyes wide. "It's like they don't need to breathe."

"Shhhhhh!" responded Haru, Hifumi, and Morgana in unison.

––––– ––––– –––––

"Finally, Buttercup and Ren emerged from the Fire Swamp…"

"We did it!" said Makoto, holding close to Ren's side.

"Was that so terrible?" Ren said with a smug grin.

The couple leaned in, eyes on each others' lips.

"Surrender!" commanded Hifumi. Behind her stood Mishima, wearing a pair of dish gloves. The right one was actually two held together with rubber bands so it appeared to have six fingers.

Ren stepped in front of Makoto. She continued to cling to him, one hand on his back, the other on his stomach. Ren drew his wiffle ball bat menacingly. "You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accep—Makoto what are you doing?"

Makoto yanked her front hand off of Ren, her face growing red. "N-nothing!"

Ren grinned, looking away, his cheeks dusted with pink.

"It's the hanging sit-ups," Morgana whispered. Everyone else's eyes were drawn to Ren's torso. Many a hand was brought to a chin in thought.

Finally, Futaba broke the silence. "Hey Ren! Can I feel up your abs too?"

––––– ––––– –––––

"Humperdinck stormed down into the pit, fuming…"

"You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy," Hifumi's eyes were wild like she was playing shogi. Ren lay across several dining chairs arranged in a row. "Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will!"

Hifumi pantomimed pulling a lever.

"Not to fifty!" shouted Mishima.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Ren.

"Uh… guys, what are you _doin'_?" asked Ryuji. Both he and Ann were standing in the front doorway, mouths agape.

"...And why are all of you here?" added Ann.

––––– ––––– –––––

"…and that's why they gotta act out _The Princess Bride_ ," Shou folded his arms.

Haru coughed. " _The Queen Bride_."

"Are they doing a good job?" Ann hid a giggle behind her hand.

"It's okay… I guess," Shou didn't meet his mother's eyes.

"Well then, this is great fun!" Ann smiled.

––––– ––––– –––––

Ann stood on the couch, her evening gown glittering. On the other side of the couch-back stood Hifumi and Makoto. Mishima was standing to Hifumi's right.

"Mawwage," said Ann, eyes bright and smiling broadly.

––––– ––––– –––––

"Ren, Inigo, and Fezzik finally made it into the castle," Shiho continued her narration. "However, they were soon met with Count Rugen and his men."

"Kill the dark one and the giant," commanded Mishima. "But leave the third for questioning."

Haru swung her wiffle bat, with her left-hand this time, at throw pillows that were tossed her way. Having thwarted the "soldiers," she smiled at Mishima.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"More like Count Akechi, am I right?" Ryuji grinned, nudging his wife with his elbow.

"Ryuji!" whispered Ann.

"What? Too soon?"

––––– ––––– –––––

"Buttercup fled to her room-"

"Shiho…" Ann interrupted.

"Eh?" Shiho looked up.

Ann tilted her head in the direction of the small boy still in Shiho's lap. He was fast asleep. "I think we're done."

"Awww, we don't get to finish the story?" said Ryuji.

"We have quite the mess to clean up," said Ann. "And I have filming early tomorrow morning."

Shiho rose to her feet, picking up Shou as she did. She handed him to Ann who carried him to his room, Ryuji following behind her. As the parents tucked in their sleeping child, the others began to tidy the Sakamoto home. Even though Ann and Ryuji, having changed from their gala clothes, came to help, it still took the group half an hour to clean up the mess.

Ann, Ryuji, Makoto, and Ren said their good-byes to each of their friends as they left.

"S-sorry… things got a little out of hand," said Makoto.

"Eh, you get used to it," said Ryuji, scratching the back of his neck.

"It's just part of having kids," smiled Ann. "I'm actually more disappointed I missed it. Who would have thought you'd agree to be Buttercup?"

"It… just kind of happened," said Makoto, not meeting Ann's eyes.

"And Futaba and Yusuke as Fezzik?" Ryuji grinned. "Did Yusuke even know what was goin' on?"

"We're relieved you guys are so understanding," said Ren, putting an arm around Makoto's shoulder.

"We better get going," said Makoto. "We really are sorry."

"Don't be. No harm done," said Ann. "Thanks for watching Shou."

Makoto and Ren waved good-bye and then started walking towards the train.

––––– ––––– –––––

"So, I hear since the invention of the kiss, there have been five rated the most passionate and pure…" said Ren, grinning as he and Makoto walked through the front door of their apartment. "I believe we're not really done with _The Queen Bride_ until we outdo those."

"Hmm," Makoto brought her hand to her chin, the corners of her mouth curving upward. "That might take a lot of experimentation."

Ren wrapped his arms around Makoto's waist. "Then we better get started."

And that, my dear readers, they did.

* * *

Author's Note: This crack was inspired by the idea of Haru as Inigo Montoya which came from a comment on a gorgeous piece of art by POIMX (on twitter) that Melkechi highlighted. While we were talking about those Inigo scenes and Haru, NieRVille (on AO3) suggested _The Princess Bride_ but ShuMako. We then brainstormed for the roles. I then put together an outline and a shared draft doc, iterating over the next several weeks.

I wrote the fic while Mel created a similarly-inspired artwork which prompted the abs-feeling scene.

...and with this, I'm is eight for eight on Makoto Niijima Week 2018!


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